Out of surgery

     Surgery took about an hour, and another half hour for her to wake up so we could go in and see her. Of course she was screaming for me. As soon as the nurse handed her to me she started to calm down. Then she cried telling me her belly hurt and wanted to take her belly button off :( Nurse gave her more pain meds then she fell asleep. That's when I cried, and cried, and cried some more, waiting until she was asleep so she wouldn't see ME hurting. They wanted me to put her in the crib to transport her upstairs, and I told them no, that would make her extremely upset and that I would carry her while they pushed me in a wheelchair. They grudgingly obliged. She was calm and awake the whole ride up.
     Once we got upstairs I sat in the chair still holding her, she complained of pain again, so they gave her morphine, which seemed to help. Then her face started to flush and her body temp started rising. Nurse took her temp and it was 99.7. We put a cool rag on her head. She said that made it feel better. Then she asked me to lay down with her. I told the nurse that I would be climbing up in the crib to lay with her, that I was not going to let her lay by herself, because again, that would have made Willow super upset. She always wants her mommy next to her, and she knows I always will be. Apparently the hospital has a policy for any child under 3 to be in a crib, and not a regular bed. They do however, have a waiver that's available for a parent to sign if the parents want their children under 3 in a bed. Obviously the reason for us would be so its more comfortable for me to sleep right next her. I would have gladly slept in the crib if there was no other option, I've done it before. Thankfully now she has a nice big bed that we both can fit in. She is resting now, her face seems less flushed, so I will let her sleep. My absolutely, perfect, amazing, courageous, princess ❤
 

In surgery now..

It's 8:03am, she just went back to surgery about 20 minutes ago. The second I walked into the waiting room I burst out I tears, wondering if this is a huge mistake. All the doctors kept saying "she looks fine" when they asked why she was getting the tube. My husband said to me that I could go stop them, there was still time. While part of me wanted to, another part wonders if I would just be delaying the inevitable. Better to just get it done and over with so we can move on. I figure worse case scenario, we realize later we made a mistake, we just take the button out and it will close on its own. I know this is just the panicked mama bear in me talking right now, but I want remember exactly how I felt, truly felt. Here we are just before surgery. 

This journey we are about to embark on....

     Today is June 30 and its 2am, and I am awake in bed on my iPad making a blog to document the journey my family is about to embark on. My name is Erica, my 2 yr 8 month old little girl Willow is scheduled to have a g-tube placed, as she has been diagnosed with failure to thrive, and is not gaining weight like she should. She has food allergies, and barely eats anything. She is in occupational therapy for feeding, but her therapist says it will be a very long process to get her to enjoy eating. Until then, we need to get her weight up to a healthy level. She weighs 23 lbs, and has only gained 2 lbs in the past 9 months. 
    Surgery is scheduled for tomorrow July 1st at 7:30am. I have joined several support groups on Facebook, talked with my friends and family, watched about 3546376 YouTube videos on what to expect, and honestly I am still scared to death. The thing that scares me most is the pain she will experience until it heals. I've heard it can be up to 2 weeks of pain, and that it's more painful than open heart surgery. There is no worse feeling in the world than seeing your child in pain and not being able to fix it. This is what terrifies me most, that feeling of helplessness I know I am going to be experiencing very soon.
     There is SO much I still need to learn about the tube as well. I can say that I am beyond grateful for today's technology, as I never could have had the chance to prepare myself as much as I have with pictures, videos, articles, and connecting with people via the Internet. I'm still not sure how she will take her tube feelings, whether it will be bolus feeds (a large amount at once like a regular meal) or continuous feeds. I'll learn that when I meet with the nutritionist after the tube is placed. Willow, and Ellen (my 5 year old) still sleep in our bed, so I'm trying to figure out how we'll manage if she has to have continuous feeds during the night. Ellen and my husband may have to sleep on the couch for  a while. Also during the recovery time, I'm guessing. 
    I really wish my parents lived closer to me, but they are 10 hours away. I know I'm going to need help. For now, I'll be praying for strength and courage to carry my baby girl (and my whole family) through this scary, scary time. I know in my heart it's what's best for her, but that doesn't make it any less frightening.