3 am

It's 3am, and here I am laying in bed crying. It seems like thats all I do these days, I'm always on the verge of tears. Going on about a month now. You see, my whole life, I can probably count on both hands how many times I've really cried. Until this past month that is. It comes out of nowhere usually. I can be watching tv, or read a poem, or even just talking to my mom and she asks me if I'm ok and I just lose it. I've always been one to keep all my feelings inside, bottled up until i finally burst. It's different now, I'm different now. Is it because of all that's happened with Willow, with my son Corey, maybe my hormones are changing, maybe I've just had more than I can handle and this is how my feeble mind is responding? Maybe all of the above, no way to know for sure I guess. Then after I cry in think to myself, why am I so upset? Things could be much worse, one of my children could be terminally ill, *I* could be terminally ill, we have a beautiful home, my husband has a job, we have health insurance, then why, WHY do I always cry now? It's so foreign to me, and I'm not sure if it really makes me feel any better. Maybe I'm just finally growing up at 36 years old. Maybe I am just not as strong as I once was with all I've been through in my life. Then I feel guilty. I should be bursting with joy that my child is thriving. While I am, I am still devastated that she may have to live her entire life dependant on something, whether it be a feeding tube, medication, doctors, having to adamantly read labels on EVERYTHING she eats, or us, her parents to be her caregivers. Her GI doctor made it sound like her gastroparesis was a temporary issue, but you all know me, and know that I immediately researched it in depth. From what I've found it is a life long condition, with no cure. That in fact many people with GP actually have 2 feeding tubes. One in the stomach and one directly into the intestines since the stomach is basically paralyzed and unable to digest food. With the second tube the food, or formula, is able to be absorbed by the body. Part of me is SO angry that they didn't do more testing such as a gastric emptying study before they placed the gtube. As it stands now she very well may also need that second tube, that they could have placed at the same time! Now she may need another surgery, and that infuriates me. All I can do now is pray, and continue to be her advocate and trust my instincts. Maybe I just need to cry and cry and cry until this is all over, or until I just can't cry anymore and decide to just leave it in God's hands and know that I am not alone in my despair...that He is holding my hand and helping me through this. Maybe I need to lean on my husband more, but I honestly don't know how. Tonight I will pray for strength, and guidance, and the courage to be able to turn to Les and ask him to help carry me through, because I know he would do anything in his power for me, for us. For him, I am eternally grateful. I apologize to all of you reading for the depressing post, but I promised myself when I started this blog to be open truthful and write exactly how I am feeling so I can look back and remember it all, so here it is, the ugly, honest truth.